OT- SCARY, STRESSFUL NIGHT!! LONG....

Good Morning PA,

This is going to be a long and somewhat confusing post, so bear with me.....

My daughter plays with the little girl next door and has for almost a year. She slept over her house Friday night. The little girl lives with her mom and grandmom. The grandmom told me that she was going to take Dee to a kids birthday party in the afternoon yesterday. Around 11am yesterday, I saw them playing in the snow outside. That was the last time I saw her.....I got a bit concerned when it was 8pm and Dee wasn't home yet. I called the grandmom and got her VM, so I left a message. Then I waited.....Around 10pm I was getting more concerned, so I called the grandmom again, getting her VM AGAIN! I decided I would try and call the mom to see if she knew where this party was. She had no idea....now I am really concerned! I spoke on the phone with my friend Cindy to tell her the situation and to reassure myself that I wasn't a CRAZY, OVERPROTECTIVE Mom. She said I wasn't crazy and I should probably call the police. So, around 10:30 I gave one more try to the grandmom and left ANOTHER VM and told her that I was going to call the police. No response. So, I broke down and called the police, I didn't want to but I didn't know what else to do. The police responded quickly. They came to the house, asked questions, tried to contact the mom,which we did get a hold of her, but she still had no info as to where this party was. Now, I am thinking, this is a kids birthday party. Who has kids out this late? More importantly, how come I could not reach the grandmom! The police tried to call the grandmom and got VM, left a message. The police were talking about putting out an Amber Alert! NOW I AM FREAKING OUT!!!!!!!!!!! After speaking to their superior, they deemed the situation not an abduction. So, the police took a picture of Dee and information, then left and said they would check in with me in about an hour or so. Now it is midnight!!! Well, I was keeping in contact with the mom back and forth. She called a couple of the grandmom's friends to find out where they were. Finally, I hear from the grandmom, and she tells me that she lost track of time....WHAT?????????? Are you freaking kidding me?? So, she tells me that they are in Northeast Philly. I offered to come and pick Dee up, but the grandmom said that she would drive her home. Dee FINALLY got home at 1am!! YES, 1am!!! I AM FURIOUS!! Then the grandmom says that she looked at the clock at one point at 11:30 and thought that it was too late to call us. WHAT?? HELLO!!! You have my kid, and you think I am going to just go to sleep and not worry about it? NOT!!
Now, I realize that I am not totally blameless in this. I should have asked more specifics about the party. She told me that it was in the afternoon, NOT the evening! She said that they didn't get there until 6:30. This woman has a cell phone and she should have had it with her to answer, but obviously she is TOTALLY IRRESPONSIBLE! When you have someone else's seven year old out to all hours of the night, shouldn't you call the parent no matter what time it is. Instead we sat here for HOURS thinking the WORST!!

My dilemma now is do I let Dee play with the little girl or not? I really do not feel comfortable anymore with leaving her in her care. Even her daughter said she can be irresponsible..... I am also thinking of taking back our agreement to pick each others kids up on particular days. I think due to what unfolded last night, I will pick up Dee and she will have to pick up her granddaughter herself! I have been feeling taken advantage of as far as that goes. On the days that we pick them up, she doesn't come to pick her up until after 7pm. So, I am stuck taking care of this kid who is quite spoiled and annoying! She is always bossing Dee around and is really domineering. Her mom spoils her and she knows it!! She will even tell you that her mom gets her whatever she wants!

I need advice here....any suggestions?? You may kick me in the ass for not being a better parent!!
I feel so guilty....
Thanks for listening,
Beth

Hi Beth, I cant even begin to describe how frustrated I am with this grandmother, I can only imagin what you were going through.  I'm glad your daughter is safe at home.  My opionion would be that the girl is only allowed to come to your house to play.  I wouldnt allow your daughter to go over there ever again.  Having that girl come to your house you have total control of every situation and it gives you a chance to monitor how she treats your daughter even more and decide from there if your little one should have this friend or not.  I just can't get over a grown woman/grandmother would have children out that late, not answering phone calls/not calling you/bringing young children home that late.  The list goes on.  I really don't think you should feel quilty, you knew these people and you got the information about the party and you had no control of the matter after that, the grandmother is totally all to blame here.  Again, I am so happy your daughter is safe at home with you. 

Thanks Pam,
I really appreciatoe your input on this.....I am still deciding on a couple of things. I am waiting for hubby to wake up. How is it that he went to bed about an hour before I did and he is still sleeping and I have been up since 7:30?? Tis the life of a mom....I, too am so happy that she is home safe and sound.

Beth

UHM WOW!!!.  I would suggest they play at your house!!!  That way the girls get to play but in an environment a little more responsible!.  Even for the other little girl.

Glad she is home safe and sound

Beth,
I agree with Pam.  I would never let my child go and play at anothers house if i did not have total trust in their ability to care for my child.  This grandmother obviously is a threat.  I would not let my child alone with her EVER.  You are a good Mom to be protecting your daughter,  I would have been going nuts if I was you.  I pray you never have to feel that fear again. 
Sara

Sara,

I WAS GOING NUTS!! The grandmother has usually been fine when watching my daughter. She has slept over her house many times before and has gone out places with her as well. Last night was just completely irresponsible of her! My husband and I are going over there soon to tell her that Deanna will no longer be going anywhere with her anymore. Her granddaughter can come over here to play, but Deanna will not be allowed to play over there or stay overnight. I just don't trust her anymore.....I must protect my child at all costs!! She is my only child and I don't plan on having anymore. Thanks for your support!!

Beth

I so know this is such a dumb question but I am going to ask. What did your 7 year old sweetie tell you about this "party" and what was going on at that party because I suspect something stinks in Denmark? Are you sure the grandmother doesn't have a substance issue? Even her daughter made sort of a comment indirectly. And you did say you don't like the way Dee is treated by this "spoiled & annoying" girl so I would simply say to the parent I don't think this is working for me and leave it at that. No I would not kick you in the ass I am sure it was scary as hell and I don't think you have anything to feel guilty for. I personally would have really clobbered the grandmother when she came home no holds barred. I suggest you make other arrangements to pick up Dee I wouldn't ever trust her again. 1am in the morning bring someone else's child home trust me my foot would have been up her ass! And her daughter's too. I wouldn't be so nice about it after all what went down wasn't so nice for you. What does hubby think of this and what did he say or do? Just curious. I would have had to sit on George actually it would have been a war of the who is gonna kick granny's ass him or me. Talk to Dee and see what she tells you. Methinks there is more to it than losing track of time. Also once I got ahold of granny I would have told her no way I want to know where you are right now I am picking Dee up or else I am having your ass arrested for kidnapping.

Linda,

I do not think it is substance abuse at all. They are Vietnamese and in their culture it is VERY different than in ours. Not that I am excusing what she did, because I am not! I talked to Dee about the party, she said that she had a lot of fun and that there were a lot of other kids there to play with. I have lost track of time when I am with my friends and had Dee with me, before I knew it, it was a lot later than I thought. I was kind of surprised at Steven's reaction after the fact. He wanted to be cautious, not to make an enemy of a neighbor. We are not friendly with many of our neighbors, they pretty much keep to themselves. I put my foot down and said, NO! She didn't have any consideration for our feelings or the fact that we spent several hours thinking the worst. From now on, Dee is not going anywhere with this lady and her granddaughter can come and play at my house, but Dee is no longer going there without me being there. No more sleepovers either!

WOW Beth.. just reading this now.  I can only imagine how you must have felt.  I'm sooo glad Dee is safe now and I agree.. only playdates will occur under your supervision. 

Lisa,

That is the most scared I have been in my life! I have been smothering her since....with hugs and kisses that is!! LOL!!!!

Thanks for your support!

Beth